Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
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What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Had an epiphany today.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
What?
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
I didn’t come here to be called names
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.