The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
You Might Also Like
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Always the camel, never the toe.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.