[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
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You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.