*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
You Might Also Like
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
*puts my mental health in rice