I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
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A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.