As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
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*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
A man of commitment.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*