Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
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*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Proofread twice, hang posters once
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)