WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
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The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Hell yeah 👍
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually