Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
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Sex so good you see dead people.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am