[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
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My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums