[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
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Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Made something I’m not proud of
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.