My zodiac sign is pistachio
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The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
The sacred texts.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Stonehinge
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me