Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
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I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*