A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
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What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.