I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
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Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Brands during Pride
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.