alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
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Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Gross if literal…Liverpool
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.