I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
You Might Also Like
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.