Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
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I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Thanks to a fan for this one!
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas