Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
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*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Science memes
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
This will never not be funny to me.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.