Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
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thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.