This bar smells like my childhood.
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“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Bond. Trauma bond.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…