When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
You Might Also Like
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball