Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
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Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
#JohnTravolta
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*