6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
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I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.