Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
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waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”