Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
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Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”