I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
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In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.