This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
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peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.