I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
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I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Stick it to the man
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.