Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
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date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Something Saturday.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”