I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
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I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
I want what they have
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?