Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
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If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Lmao 🤣
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
This cat wants you to take your pills
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.