I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
You Might Also Like
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
rapatouille
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
I didn’t come here to be called names
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.