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When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
new wife guy just dropped
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
i dont have time for this
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY