Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
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I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no