God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
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They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.