My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
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Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
yes… yes…
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away