Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
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When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
…żyje?
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one