I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
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HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.