Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
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I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Jesus Christ lmao
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?