Just why bro?!
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Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
u spoke cat all this time??????
I mean…but I did
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them