I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
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Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
my dog when i have a friend over
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes