3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
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Always a metermaid never a meter
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Netflix and awkward silence?
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner