Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
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Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.