COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
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[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.