The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
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Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
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