The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
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Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day