I used to be married, but I’m better now
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Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Otters see a butterfly.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Terribly Tuesday.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant