Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
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In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
And that about sums it up.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.