which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
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Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer